me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
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“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
No laws when master is gone
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”