Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
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Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
this is me
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏