Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
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“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday