Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
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Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.