I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
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I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
need him
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
*cough*
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
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When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”