I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
You Might Also Like
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
this is literally a CIA plant
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Social distancing in Australia:
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?