I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
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Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.