Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
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[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I want to meet the individual who made this
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.