How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
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Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.