Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
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ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
bad news gang
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning