i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
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Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*