I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
You Might Also Like
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?