Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
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1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
why isn’t he texting back
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.