Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
You Might Also Like
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
my professor scared me for a second
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Beware of the “party goblin”…
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her