[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
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Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog