I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
You Might Also Like
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
apparently this year was written by stephen king
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors