Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
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“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Just had my nails done!
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no