DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
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I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
You have been warned.