What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
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You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.