Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
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My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know