Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
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[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet