Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
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I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
no one ever comes back