Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
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Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Story of my life…..