Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
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Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
i now pronounce you bounced.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”