saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
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[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.