friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
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I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
selena gomez
#ProTip
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.