Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
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My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
wow he looks just like him
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
“Wait, let me explain..”
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.