Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
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It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*