ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
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I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
any last words?
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.