My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
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By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
📽️movie date🎞️
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.