My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
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I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch