me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
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Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Anyone really
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
new wife guy just dropped
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit