The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
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Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!