I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
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[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*