Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
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My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
The Onion called it…again.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?