Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
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Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.