I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
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woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Thoughts