No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
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You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Haha good job!!
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.