what kind of cook setting is this??
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when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before