What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
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It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*