hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
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“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Very good! 👍😂
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”