I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
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Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
be careful
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?