idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
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First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Get in loser we’re going crying
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.