me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
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My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
CUTE CAT‼︎
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
BRAKING NEWS!!
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Just a phase…
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy