Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
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My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Noah
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”