Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
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When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.