My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
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Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>