friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
You Might Also Like
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.