I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
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I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
🙂🙃🥹
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.