I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
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WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
God has abandoned us.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn鈥檛 drink Cabernet from a Pringle鈥檚 can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
The glory of fall.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He鈥檚 a handsome feller.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What鈥檚 wrong with my forehead?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice馃槶
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 馃槉
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.